just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
