If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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