im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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