so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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