Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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