I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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