I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
