I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
