it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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