Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
