how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
