Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
