So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
