dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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