they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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