Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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