Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
