Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
50% drunk capacity currently
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
