He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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