i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
