Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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