Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
