Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
