And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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