Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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