if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
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