I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think i got beer on your cat.
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