apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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