I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
