On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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