I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
