Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
