Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
