did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
