god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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