I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
