i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
