god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
