I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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