you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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