Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
