with your own penis?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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