no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
