well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i think my cat just said my name.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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