i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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