i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im having a threesome with these popsicles
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
