i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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