I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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