i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
