Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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