At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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